1/26/08 Gardening @ Night #09

ROUND 3 & 4!
4 down and 12 to go. Last AC cycle is done in 2 weeks I switch to weekly Taxol. More about this later. Chemo music today was brought to me by one of my favorite bands, the Throwing Muses. Here is the song Ruthie's Knocking. In the video, Kristin Hirsh reminds me of Liza, Sonia C's sis.


NEW LOOK for Gardening @ Night
Ok, ok, alright already. I did it so now are you happy? After so many of you commented these updates should be a blog I still resisted, because essentially it is just for us still. However, the designer in me found it very appealing to make the message more beautiful, and in fact, once I got it in my head I became appalled that someone who cares so much about design could continue sending out such a tacky product. So I could not resist any longer. Still, I just took the easy blogger way out and was up and running with a template in 5 minutes. I have always liked the rounded corners of this template and the colors, though I might tweak things later so don't be surprised to return and find other colors. Also, since my medicine is changing to smaller doses, I hope I will also write in similarly smaller doses in the future. These things are too long and besides, I'm also entering back into the "time of homework" so smaller posts should be better for me. I hope all of this pleases you.

btw, I don't understand why you people keep coming back for more of my blather, but being a Leo means that if you praise me I will comply. In fact I'm more than delighted that you guys like my ponderings. Its a funky little creative outlet but I don't think it will be so interesting to people after the fact, like watching a tennis match you already know the outcome of. So for now we will continue. And today I need to tell you all about some pretty exciting news about yourselves (and others).


TEAM BUILDING - Get your running shoes on
My buddies, Sonia Chessen and Melanie Folstad, and sister Monica Medina each came up with the same idea. They are offering to be the captain coordinators of not one not two, but three you heard me threeeeee walking/jogging teams to raise a bit of doe for breast cancer screening and research. I hope some of you can be our teammates. You will have plenty of time to train and we're trying to make it little pressure to raise money, mostly I want you to have fun. All three races will have the same beneficiary - Susan G. Komen Fund. You just have to pick your speed. I will try to do at least a little of all of them. We might even get some T-shirts out of it.


SAVE THE DATES
Sat June 7
1. Monica will lead the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K walk on the National Mall
TEAM NAME: to come
Building on 25 years of funding research to find the causes and cures of breast cancer, Komen announces four new research funding opportunities, an important focus on speeding the translation of research discoveries to reduce breast cancer incidence and mortality within the next decade, and a completely redesigned system for application and peer review.


October 3-5,
2. Sonia Chessen will be leading the Susan G. Komen National Race for the Cure Team 3 day walk
TEAM NAME: Tough Alliance
THE POWER OF ONE Our story began with ONE promise. ONE promise between TWO sisters. ONE promise to find a CURE. What started with two, GREW...Sonia and her sister, Liza, will help us get our team organized for this 3 day walk from DC to I don't know where yet.


October 11
3. Baltimore Half Marathon team leader is Melanie Folstad
TEAM NAME: Night Gardeners
I am planning to do the Baltimore half marathon and our fundraising will go to the local chapter of Susan G. Komen. I HAVE to do this one since I found out about my fate only a few days after I ran it last year. I hope some of you out of towners might join Kyle, Melanie and me, too.

So please channel your energy to help me do this this right. But don't sign up yet. Watch this blog for updates on team sign up.


HEALTH MATTERS
I bet you knew that walking stairs is rather boring. While once my heart fluttered to be able to climb, climb, climb now I can't wait for winter to be over so I can go outside. But still I trudge onward and upward, my only company is my exceedingly featureless and shadowy twin who alights effortlessly. But who's complaining, what? I can't go outside because my temperature can't make up it's mind these days. Maybe it's just that my temperature regulating hair is gone. Actually I do go outside but I don't look forward to it. I don't know if this is the big one - menopause. If it is, it isn't so bad for me, but it is confusing. I suspect that it isn't and that I just ache for spring, which I always do anyway.

Lately my nose is a bloody wreck and also driving me to distraction. I conveniently forgot that chemo is supposed to be like having the flu or in my case, maybe a sinus infection for months on end, until Lisa the insurance nurse called again to remind me. Nose bleeds flood my tissues. On some advice from Dana and a whim from me, Kyle ran out and bought me a "neti pot", a yoga device for cleansing the sinuses. You pour water into one nostril and it comes out the other. Magic. The pot looks like the kind of a pot that a Genie would live inside of. I worry that the little Genie is taking horrific roller coaster rides through my sinus canals. But Kyle also dutifully cleaned and restored our defunct cold water vaporizer just for me. Isn't he dreamy? He did it because I tell him how night holds a special kind of torture. I can feel the canker sores rising up on my tongue like some kind of ugly suburban development built on the site of a freshly clear cut forest.

I worry that the fine line between irreversible lymphodema and the rebirth of sleeping nerves takes a more experienced hand to distinguish. But I'm working with 3 lb weights now and proud of it. Will this battered woman find the way to 5 lb weights? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion, somewhere around next year. Oy vey! It may be time to name our heroine. If you can think up a name for the cancergirl super hero you get a prize - really. I don't know what it will be, though. Kyle suggested the name "Rediculosa". Lucy didn't have one, but Lily suggested "Sexatron". If I have to be Sexatron, then I'm going to call Lil, my faithful girl ward, "PrepuBetty". I think we need other suggestions, please.


HAIR REPORT
Now that my hair is gone, I spend my time in the shower making up things to do just to feel the hot water for a bit longer. They told me I would still need to shave my legs but that is hardly true. I might feel some soft stubble every once in a while but mostly I shave just for kicks. Also I wash my ghost hair on my head to find solace somewhere in aromatherapy around my head. I slather myself in it, actually. It's kinda fun. Outside the shower, I find my wayfaring strands of lost long hair are marooned here and there on islands of clothing like sinewy men without countries. But I still got eyebrows, knock on wood.


I CAME OUT
No longer am I hiding in the shadow of winter hats. Just so you know, I sent out an email to everyone I could think of that might give a shit and got it over with. If there is anyone on the East or West Coast who doesn't know, I won't believe it. But thank you all for keeping my secret for so long. You are now free to talk amongst yourselves and others.


COMEDY CENTRAL
Now for some funny stuff ... upon my request, many of you and some other friends who just found out rose to the occasion and actually sent me the jokes I longed for.

Here's a couple from my buddy Michael Levy: Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Also: There was theme party in Brooklyn (think accents) and the theme was "emotions." Some showed up in a green bikini and told the hostess loudly she was "green with envy". A bit later two guys show up, the first had his penis burried in the custard and the second guy had his penis all the way inside a teddy bear. The hostess wisks them inside and says "you could get arrested. Wht are these costumes?" The first guy with a sour look on his face says in an angry tone, "well I'm fuckin dis-custad! My friend has come deep in dis-bear."

Here's one from Ellen Globokar: A man is walking down a country road and comes to a fork in the road. He doesn't know which way to go when he hears a voice," Hey, mister, are you lost?" He looks up and sees no one but a horse. "Yeah, it's me talking to you" says the horse. The man walks up to the horse and says"Why you're quite a horse!" The horse replies "Why yes I am. In fact, in my day, I even won the Derby." The man asks who owns the horse and the horse leads him to the house of his owner. The man knocks on the door and a farmer answers. "That's quite a horse you have there," says the man."Yep," says the farmer. " What would you sell him for?" The farmer gives him a price and the man buys the horse. As he is walking away from the house with his new horse, the farmer shouts at him," He didn't give you any of that shit about winning the Derby did he?"

Here's a one from the book I read, the curious Incident of the dog in the night-time: 'There are three men on a train. One of them is an economist and one of them is a logician and one of them is a mathematician. And they have just crossed the border to Scotland and they see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train (and the cow is standing parralel to the train). And the economist says, 'Look, the cows in Scotland are brown'. And the mathematician says, 'No, There are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown'. And the mathematician says, 'No, there is at least one cow in Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown'.

Here's a funny homework joke from Johan Becker:


Lily's joke: So. a guy walks into a bar on a 10 story building, drinks a huge tub if beer and jumps out the window. He walks in a second time completely unscratched and does it again. He comes back up completely unscratched and this guy who is watching him from the sidelines says, "Dude, how are you doing that?!!?!! I mean seriously, you drank a huge tub beer and it's 10 stories. Get real!" The first guys says, "Well the hot beer bubbles in my stomach and since hot air floats I can float safely to the ground." So the second guy says, "Gimme some beer." He drinks it and jumps out the window. The bartender says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

Lucy's joke: What's a bird, an auto, and a dog put together - a flying car-pet


HOW ARE WE DOING?
Speaking of Lu, many of you have asked how the kids are doing. Here's how Lucy is doing...Lucy said to me, Sometimes I think about other people in their lives, like my friends in their classrooms." Then she jumped of and shook her boody to the music of the "Music Man" we happened to be watching.

We're waiting patiently for Lu's first tooth to come out long after her compatriots have lost as many as four or five. It and we are now hanging by a thread. Kyle thinks she actually might grow to be a 40 year old mom with a wide spread babytoothy grin. Wouldn't that be cute? Oh my gosh, she lots her first tooth just now, tonight.






The other day, Kyle had taken her to her dance class and was anonymously plugged into his ipod, when disturbed by a tap on the shoulder, "Are you Lucy's dad?" Oh no what, did she shit her pants in class, ran through his head. It was the director of the dance programs at Strathmore who awakened Kyle. She was surprisingly very complimentary about Lucy's natural kinetic skills and had been watching the students in her class, taking an interest in Lucy. She had been trying to re-adjust the kids to appropriate classes and though Lucy is one of the youngest, she's also apparently one of the best (no doubt). The lady told Kyle that Lucy had put on a special flirty dance for the lady just because she was paying attention.

Today Lucy brought home a book about vampire bats becauswe she knows that bats are my favorite animal and she wanted to please me. We read it as a family tonight. That's how Lucy is doing.


MINUTE BOOK REVIEW
*** the curious Incident of the dog in the night-time, by mark haddon
The thing about this book that kinda bummed me out was that the characters were so realistic and this made me forget that the author is clever. Although I enjoyed the perspective of the main character, I got a little bogged down in his life and started to feel really sorry for him and that doesn’t fit my mindset just now. I was expecting comedy and this is not it. Still, I liked the fact that the mystery became a small scale adventure and the graphics won me over. I might have liked reading this book at another time in my life and so you may like it now.

Favorite parts: his interaction and yes, assault of policemen.

Coming Soon...
Notes from a Small Island
and, Confederacy of Dunces


MUSIC YOU SHOULD USE
This past Sunday night, Kyle and I went to see the Super Furry Animals play. Their super polished pop sounds came to us all the way from Wales. Try them, you’ll like them:

Also, we watched a documentary about the quasi punk/jazz band called the Minutemen. It was terrific, with funny characters, great art and dynamic music

For Dana, and all you other covert country music lovers - go ahead and admit it. Here’s one of my favorites indie crossovers, Blitzen Trapper. The video to this is unbelievable feast for the eyes.

SHOUT OUTS My buddy, Iona told me that the Star Trek expression was adopted by Leonard Nemoy almost directly from a historic Jewish one, which included the had gesture, you know it, as well. Thanks, Iona. Also, Lundin, I got your card today. You are almost as sweet as my own husband. Please keep the family updates coming. I love them.


And last but not least, GARDENER’S NOTEBOOK
last year at this time I was having the time of my life stomping around the very, very, very cold rare conifer collection at the National Arboretum. If it’s warm enough for you to go out (or me, for that matter), you really should consider taking a trip there. You will see for yourself how wonderful the huge white pine is there. You can take a short walk and be amazed by the colors and textures. I got a note from my teacher recently. He asked if he could show his current students some pics I took. Of course I was honored and agreed. Then he even proposed that I come to his class sometime to have a chat with the students and show them my site. Can you believe it? I can’t.


So from me to you - Live Long and Prosper.

a

01/09/2008 Gardening @ Night #08

Hi to all,

ROUND 2!
It would have been clever of me to have presented you with a countdown of treatments for New Year's Eve but I guess I wasn't that quick. Anyway, here's the deal: In total I will have 16 treatments and now there are 2 down, 14 to go. But who's counting?

I join you once again from the delta quadrant, or maybe from the time zone of the Bermuda triangle, the place where time stands still. Round 2 was still very weird but not as severe this go-round, at least not on my tummy. Best of all, I've had a coffee reprieve. I can now drink it without fear. The fatigue does make you feel like you're on drugs for sure. And the drugs make you feel like you're on drugs, too. But all in all, it was way easier to tolerate than last time and I'm already on the bounce side of the bad days. Today I had an especially odd take on the world since it was a gorgeous day and too warm to wear a hat - yes, my hair is now liberating itself from my head (more to come on that). So I went for a sleepwalk on the Crescent Trail and I faced my first moments of multiple anonymous onlookers, wondering if I have cancer or if I'm just a skin head jogger. Actually, I didn't jog today since I'm a bit pooped for it just now. Though I think I'll be able to tomorrow. Anyway, the day is so brilliant that it's hard to take any other way, so the staring people really just became like a weird ambient image track along the journey. I am surviving the questioning eyes. Also, because it was such a nice day, other people were going about their business, like spraying chemicals to get rid of invasive plant species. Although I was delighted to see this happen on my precious trail, the smell was terrible and even a bit creepy to me. I had to hold my breath walking along while bikers and hispanic men passed me by with curious looks on their faces which lasted too long. I felt sorry for the hispanic men who had to breath that stink all day. Ok, so Kyle thinks I was just imagining the looks and he's probably right.

Visuals
So this time for your viewing pleasure, I've prepared a few imges of my hair or lack there of, and also of the infusion room - hope this isn't too creepy for you.



I visited the infusion room last Wed (same day as my hair started to go in a big way). I feel there are quite a few little gems in the infusion room, the first of which is the curtains. Yes, it's just basically a hospital room with a couple of lazyboys in it but the curtains are tre chick! The moire pattern will be indelibly etched in my mind's eye forever forward.


Next is a pic of the random items posted on the bulletin board, a cross just in case, and my favorite signs showing pain levels with smiley faces and clean up rules.


Also depicted is the "Borg Queen" - the machine that controls the drip into my body. She may not look like much but she is all powerful.


Last in the infusion room are of the Adriomiacine "shots" which must be manually infused by the gloved but loving Mercedes (not pictured above her hands) and a couple pics of me being infused.



Notice I get some pleasure in the contrast I have myself provided with my own wardrobe, to the situation at hand. By this I mean that I think I'm hilarious because I chose to wear my Baltimore Half Marathon T-shirt under my regular clothes like some kind of secret superhero undergarments. Is it confirmation that I am Superman or Wonderwomen? Whadevah! Did I mention that the insurance nurse told me a possible side effect is that I may go to a chemo session and leave not remembering I'd ever been there? Good thing I'm documenting, huh? Or maybe that's just another superpower. I'll leave it for the time-being.




The Hair Report
So later that night, or maybe the next, I had decided I didn't want to go "out" to get my haircut at all. I decided that Lil and Lu would be so bummed if they were not included. So I enlisted theirs and Kyle's help to do the deed.


Lucy was on hair collection duty and armed herself with a big zip lock baggie, in which my hair now persists. Lily really liked the kitchen scissors and Kyle liked the buzz clippers. I have to tell you, it was a lot of fun to do it this way. My family got into it and made it a happy memory for me. Kyle had never cut any one's hair before and showed the requisite careful attention to detail even though I assured him it wouldn't matter if he made a boo boo. He really wanted to make me look good. So I still have some hair but it is fading fast now. That's fine. I really haven't been that uncomfortable with my new look and my mother is knitting madly. My mother has been also been spreading thanks to ever doctor and nurse I know, one scarf at a time like Johnny Apple Seed or something. Let's hear it for Mom! When the weather gets cold again I'll be so happy for the hats, I already know since my head has been cold. Kyle, from Chicago, thinks I'm a wimp.






MINUTE (pronounced "my-neut") BOOK REVIEWS
* = rating system, 5* is best, (*) = qualified review meaning not for all

*(***)STAR TREK the Next Generation: BEFORE DISHONOR, by who cares
Even though I read some really good books to start, I found myself in Barnes and Noble a couple weeks ago, just after I last wrote; I found myself face to face with the Borg and resistance was futile. So I bought a Star Trek book that I won't even bother to tell you the plot of but it was really terrific and very satisfying. Maybe it will even put an end to my obsession with this analogy, for your sakes. I was planning to ask if anyone wanted it now so I could "out" other trekkies in my midst, but my sister then outed her own husband and claimed it for him. I'll just say this about the book, if you liked the show, you'll love this. If you never saw the show, then sorry to bore you with this review.

Favorite line in the book: "Captain Janeway's eyes widened as the ship drew nearer the Borg cube, hanging in space like a great floating cancer. She gulped deeply."


*****The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid, by Bill Bryson
As I mentioned before, I LOOOOVED this book, even more than I loved his last book. The guy is really a solid writer who kept me laughing. I listened to it on ipod and his voice was wonderful too. He gives an interview at the end of the book where he explains that his own childhood experiences were really just an excuse to write about childhood in general and his memories of all the places, while accurate, were really just a medium for the expression of how intense it is to be a kid. Anyone could relate to the feelings described, like how it feels to discover that grown-ups don't know what the hell they are doing, or obsessions with particular candies or even uncontrollable compulsions to do stupid things. The best part is that he somehow does this minus parody. He also peppers the book with real Americana headlines from back in the day. This provides a great devise that brings different themes together. Read it. You'll love it. I don't care who you are.

Favorite Part: He, age 13, and his 2 very destructive friends play a game at night in one of their bedrooms where you sit in the pitch black in separate corners of the room, and strike a stick match and then fling it in the direction you think your friend is sitting (of course you can move, too) attempting to light the kid's hair on fire. Every time you light a match, though, you give away your own location. Can't you see Kyle playing this as a little kid? You can imagine what happened next.


*****Me Talk Pretty One Day & Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, by David Sedaris
I read/listened to both these books one after another and I really enjoyed each, although they may as well have been the same book, actually. These books and the BB ones I've read have been influencing the writing of these email in a big bad way. Reading them has encouraged me to divulge things maybe you don't even want to hear about, minute details of my own life that you don't often speak of unless you're on drugs. Anyway, SD talks about his family and other close relationships in such a funny and sardonic way. I'm not sure everyone could take his black humor since it's really very black, but I'm confident the Tough Allies could handle it.

Part Most Relevant to My Own Life: SD tells how during his insomnia, he develops long scenarios about himself, possibly in some alternate universe, into "epic daydreams" that he can continue to build upon night after night crafting every tiny detail into the wee hours. He mentions that he's thinking of making a little jacket for his clock radio so that he doesn't have to watch the numbers "flap".

Coming soon: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, by Mark Haddon


THANK YOU, KYLE
So now we've again fallen into our old (but modified) school day routine, which is familiar, comforting and easy. Kyle and I used to both get up earlier than Lil and Lu, giving us a jump on the day making preparations for ourselves and them. Now Kyle wakes alone to do this letting me grab an extra hour in the morning and I get up with the kids. He NEVER complains or acts put upon even though it causes him to miss out on the early morning run window. Well, I just have to thank him for doing this thankless job. It's a fine line between selfish sleep and recovery sleep, and often quite blurry. So I'd like to dedicate this next song to him: Let's Active's Living on the Blue Line. Sadly you only get a sample of this song it's so old.

Gardener's Notebook
Yet another thank you goes to Kyle for my favorite Xmas present, a Squirrel-shaped watering can. Check it out.

I'm so Lucky
The numbers do not escape me in the least that. In the time warp, I get to have the bonus inner eye that allows me to notice the cosmic magnitude of what I am living through and I feel extremely lucky to have you all as my friends, flickr or no. Having cancer has forced me to slow down and have conversations and interactions with you that I might never have had and they are very invigorating. So if you are somehow still wondering if you are doing enough for me, stop wondering. I don't really deserve all this attention but I appreciate it. There are so many people in the world who have it so much worse than just loosing some hair and sleep. It makes me wonder about the numbers further. How many other people in the world are living this same lucky scenario? Hopefully it's an immense number, "Billions and billions" as the late great Carl Sagan would say. But just in case, thanks for caring. I want to end with a tagline "quote" I found in an ad in my gardening magazine, (Jim, my friend and copywirter, you will love this!), "It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances." Looking closer at the ad I see that the quote is actually from Oscar Wilde, how great is that?


Ok, so does anyone know a good piano tuner or want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?

a

12/31/07 Gardening @ Night #07

Hi All,

So, it's what you fashion focused folks have all been waiting for:
Adele's Super Sexy Breast Cancer Ins & Huber Outs List for 08 ...

I apologize up front since my sense of humor seems to be sick this year as well. But I know you trend watchers want to find out what's hip for the new year in order to get yourselves in with the cool cancer crowd. Don't be left out ...


OUT WITH THE OLD 2007
... Hair

IN WITH THE NEW 2008
... Hats, head scarves, and pirate bandanas including one from PetSmart that Argo wore home the other day


OUT WITH THE OLD 2007
... anti-perspirant

IN WITH THE NEW 2008
... anti-nausia


OUT WITH THE OLD 2007
... tirelessly searching for a wii and succeeding, before Christmas, to show my kids how much I love them

IN WITH THE NEW 2008
... letting my kids buy themselves a wii way after Christmas so I can nap for the next 5 months


OUT WITH THE OLD 2007
... donuts (no longer taste good in my mouth)

IN WITH THE NEW 2008
... corn nuts


OUT WITH THE OLD 2007
... lipstick for special ocassions

IN WITH THE NEW 2008
... Burt's Bees Lib Balm and Cepacol for combating mouth sores


OUT WITH THE OLD 2007
... heavy lifting of bags of mulch for my friends or anyone else (Doctor's orders)

IN WITH THE NEW 2008
... helping my friends with any possible garden advice I can provide


OUT WITH THE OLD 2007
... pushing public elevator buttons, opening restroom doors and shaking "hands" with anything other than my elbows so I don't catch any commoner uncool germs


IN WITH THE NEW 2008
... sleeping with elbows elevated to prevent the lymphodema, an irreversible swelling of the arms - oh yeah!


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!2008 WILL BE GREAT! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



So now for an update. First up is the Hair Report:
I still have my lovely lady locks, but the clock is ticking. Mercedes, the infusion nurse told me I'd have 14 to 21 days after my first infusion. Lisa the insurance nurse (that's right, the insurance company gave me a nurse, too) told me I'd have 10. It's now been 11. Several of you Tough Allies have told me that your mothers hadn't lost their hair at all when they'd been through chemo themselves. I think it is a nice idea but likely a slim chance. The 2 chemo drugs I've been given are well known to cause hair loss. Never-the-less, I was indeed happy to have held onto my hair for our Chicago trip and now that winter is here in MD I'm still happy to have it. So now I feel I will hang onto it until my fate is crystal clear. So as I was getting into the shower today, I thought of the person who picks up an umbrella on the way out the door, thus guaranteeing rain. And in bold move of defiance, I did NOT put the drain filter back into the drain - ON PURPOSE. If hair was going to go down, hair was going down. Wow, am I brave or what? And it's true, except for the cold, I'm not really afraid of loosing my hair. In fact I've always wanted to be the radical mom, just wasn't thinking I'd be a free-radical mom (how was that Laura S?). Well, my scalp is beginning to itch as is the entirety of my skin. I wonder if this is foreshadowing.

Now for a physical focus:
So when I last reported in I had had a pedicure (Thanks Cara and Ted) and it had been "Day 3". That's the term of art which chemo patients use when talking about treatment because when you walk away on "day 1", you leave the infusion unit with a huge long list of pills and a schedule for each day for when to take them over the course of the next 5 or so depending on how you feel moment to moment. I think I mentioned this before. "Day 3" is usually when the buzz of the infusion drugs end and things inevitably head south. I had been told it would feel like having the worst case of the flu you've ever had, aches and pains, exhaustion, and yes, tummy troubles. I would say that's pretty accurate except I would add all this to say, post marathon fatigue. Ok, I've never run a marathon, but are you going to get technical with me? Really the worst part is that from Day 3 it goes on for several more days. And at least for the first round, you wonder whether you'll ever feel like a human again. You feel as if you've been doing something akin to breathing fire and the taste in your mouth is proof. You're so weak, you can't imagine walking around for more than 10 minutes at a time without an hour long nap, much less getting up for jogging. I couldn't really eat anything until after 5pm each day. Also to quell the internal flames, I was pumping (drinking) gallons of water through my body at a constant rate. I drank at least one and a half of those big blue jugs you put into your home water cooler all on my own, no lie. I was literally taking a bath on the inside like some kind of giant sponge. Because of this cleansing process, I had to get up every night many times to pee, of course. That made for great nights of sleep for Kyle and myself. Poor Kyle. I couldn't bring myself to drink coffee either. So in truth I'm not certain if all this was due to a really bad case of caffeine withdrawal, hmmmm. A wrestling match that broiled away in my stomach did not cause me to actually throw-up but the battle raged on unending, so that sometimes I couldn't really speak. And speaking of speaking, another problem I was having was that my throat was still quite soar from the medi-port surgery. Although I am much more used to it now, the little tube that goes from my chest to my heart takes the long road north into the bottom of my throat (you can even kind of see the impression of this under my skin) before turning back south for the real action. This has caused me to speak in a slightly higher tone of voice and I really dislike yelling, much to the delight of my kids. To put it in a nutshell, it was basically 5 days of Night of the Living Dead.

Despite all this going on on the inside, I was in fact delighted to have taken the trip to Chicago to see Kyle's two lovely sisters, their families and his mom. (Kyle's mom's name is Roberta but she goes by Bobby. Just as an aside, I have always wanted to tell her that I've always thought that was such a tough, fun and admirable nickname. I have no idea if she even likes it but that's how I feel about it.) Anyway, Kyle's family (like my own) is quite warm, caring and happily "distracting". While they were perfectly satisfied to let me spend hours sleeping, in the bathroom, (oxford comma) or just chillin' on their sofa watching the Dog Whisperer. They also provided a lot of calm entertainment for me and stimulating entertainment for the kiddos. Lil and Lu couldn't get enough of their cousins, especially Mikayla and Bret. Bret is a former champion wrestler, currently studying to become a physical therapist himself. When he finishes his studies this spring I will be nominating him for Beatification. Mikayla is Lil and Lu's idol and best friend. As a serene 12 year old, she patiently plays with them both somehow at the same time and enjoys it. They all share cinematic daydreams and computer savvy among other things. Shauna and Mike have to be the most patient people alive. Every time we visit, they take amazing care of us while we create noise and havoc in their home, providing amazing meals, lend us their car and go with us on any kind of outing we propose. Shauna is the only person I know who simply because she's sitting next to one of my kids at the dinner table, will pick up a fork and feed them (as we often still do) without anyone noticing or asking. She's every bit as stubborn and charming as Lucy, which is a wonderful thing.

Anyway, it was quite nice to be there getting through rather than paying attention to my body. I could not avoid how I would feel physically but I also couldn't wallow in it. I even went walking some days. One 20 degree F afternoon, I went walking on a long stretch of 2 lane road just outside their neighborhood while Kyle and company went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. I spent a very joyful 45 minutes walking along this bitter cold road shoulder and made my way a half mile down, to my amazement passing huge cattail filled ponds and corn fields - yes this is still the Northwest suburbs of Chicago and finally turned around at a barn where a golden pony whinnied at me to say hi, I thought.

I also could eat after 5 pm each night and I ate really well. I doubt I lost any weight and probably put on few pounds. (If it didn't happen then, it must have since since Kyle continues to spoil our family with fabulous meals and treats. Today was cupcakes and caviar, not at the same time of course). And then on Tuesday, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, just a glimmer. Wednesday I awoke feeling much more like myself. We went bowling. Thursday we returned home. Friday I began doing steps again and I'm proud to announce I broke my first post-chemo sweat. In a few days, I'll start the cycle all over again. The way it will work is that I will have 3 more treatments, each two weeks apart of Adriomiacine and Citoxine. This takes me through Feb. Then at that point I go every week for one small dose of Taxol. I will be busy, but that is supposed to feel much less severe given that way. That will take me right smack up to May. Throughout I will receive (hopefully, 80% chance) the test drug, Avastin. Cross your fingers.


OK, here's a couple songs for you, just for fun:

1. This one is by Jay-Z (rap) and the key lyrics go like this ...
If you having girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
Hit me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cg8dYL3an9k
(probably want to preview this before showing any kid)

The inclusion of this song for you today is supposed to be ironic since I believe Kyle has a very specific girl problem. Anyway, the name of the album it is included on is called "The Grey Album" which is actually a clever combo of the Beatles While Album with Jay'Z's Black Album.

2. This one is by MIA (a different kind of rapper, not from the standard hood). The song is called "Bird Flu", which I believe to be as horrid as my own illness. I heard some kids behind me on the airplane saying her album was number one on the Rolling Stone list this year. This is uncorroborated info, but I LOVED it...
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=VDSnLcu2HTI&feature=related

MIA is from Shri Lanka and her father was a Tamil Tiger, so her music is a combo of hip hop with a big eastern influence.


Book Corner:
I was going to write some book reviews for you but I fear this letter is getting too long, midnight approaches. I will save them for later, but I can report I've now finished the Bill Bryson Book I was listening to on ipod called The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid. It was one of the funniest books I've ever read. I promise to do a proper review in the future, especially because I imagine these updates will get rather monotonous with nausea and the like. So stay tuned. I also want to thank several of you, my friend Laura S, Brother-in-Law Ron, Sister-in-Law Colleen, and buddy Tom K for providing a huge new library of funny books to peruse. So stay tuned for this exciting column.


Gardener's Notebook:
I want to wrap up this letter by getting back to some writing that's close to my heart and mentioning one of my new favorite plants I learned about this year. It is a native, semi-evergreen and quite graceful. It's called Ilex vomitoria, or Youpon Holly. It's called vomitoria because eating the berries will make you sick, duh. The cultivar, 'Yawkeyi' has unique yellow berries. To learn more about it, see http://www.dogwooddesigner.com/?p=67. But just so you go into the new year with a beautiful visual, I want to share this gorgeous picture with you, sent to me by my friend, Sandra. She visited a botanical garden in Pittsburgh over the holiday that was holding g exhibition on -- "Chihuly at Phipps: Gardens and Glass" and was kind enough to make my day by passing it along. See attached. To go with it a statement from Lily, just as she got into the tub tonight she said to Lucy, "hey, let's create a magical fairy land of pretend, Ok?


Happy New Year.

12/20/07 Gardening @ Night #06

Hi All,

Sorry that I didn't call everyone back, that I should have this week. I did appreciate the calls. I hope I will catch up with you sooner or later. Maybe this will do for now.

So, this week, with the insertion of a medi-port under my skin with a catheter leading to my heart, (Oxford Comma?) and an infusion of multiple colorful chemicals into my body, my assimilation into The Borg Collective was completed. Afterwards, life support systems were down to 82% on decks 5, 6, and 7 but crewmen sealed them off and are working on repairs now.

No, this is not another lyrics analysis quiz, that will come in a later issue. Kyle warned me against this Star Trek-ease but I went for it anyway. Just in case you didn't waste your 20's watching "Star Trek, The Next Generation", like we did, "The Borg" was this interstellar hive-like civilization that traipsed around the Universe in a big hive-looking but totally metallic and cool spaceship trying to assimilate all other cultures they came across, by force of course. They would do so by replacing people's various body parts with computerized versions of these parts and thereby also hypnotizing them and stealing their souls. People who have been absorbed into the Borg, cease to retain their own identity and all become cancer patients ... Oh no, wait, I just drifted off into my own life, whoops. No, they become like a colony of Communist bees. I'm not sure where this is going but Communist bee or cancer patient, neither sounds good? Maybe I should go farther back and think Bionic Woman instead. Well, sorry, I couldn't help myself. I love Star Trek. Wonder if you knew that about me.

On Monday, I had minor surgery to place the port into my chest. The surgery went well. The doctors and nurses were excedingly nice and comforting, even though I had met them for the first time only 10 minutes the operation began. But, the recovery was more than I'd bargained for. Kyle gently told me later that he thought I might not be an "anesthesia girl". Let's just put it this way, my sister drove me home then went to the car wash immediately afterwards. I was pretty painful that night, but some more percaset (drugs) was at hand so I made it threw.

Then Tuesday I woke up ok, not feeling like I could drive, so I walked. I walked with my husband up to PetSmart in the morning to take Argo for a grooming, I walked to Bethesda for some coffee and on to a Barnes and Noble, then to CVS where I picked up copious prescribed anti-nausia medications, and then I walked home on the trail. An hour later, I walked again on the trail with my friend, Sonia for a bit, then I walked back up to PetSmart to pick up Argo and then back home.

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY, Wednesday came. Kyle and I showed up bright and early on the 7th floor of GrgTwn Hospital, not too nervous. I knew there would be a lot of waiting since they are not allowed to mix the "cocktail" until you get there and also give them some blood from your newly placed and tender port. Nurse Julie came around to give me a detailed daily list of directions about when to take each drug I had gotten from CVS and what they were for. She also gave me a calendar that goes into May. The calendar spelled out all the days I would need to show up for various things, chemo, neulasta (a blood production booster) and tests beyond that. I wasn't sure whether to plug this calendar into my phone calendar or vice versa. Which would be more trouble to do? They also gave me some intravenous anti-nausia meds through the port. This took about 2 hours, but we were patient.

Then, da da daaaa, Infusion Nurse Mercedes walked in with 2 huge shotzers - GIANT - filled with dayglow red Adriomiacine. She explained that this drug was not a "drip" drug, meaning it could not drip from an IV bag like the others I would receive. She had to sit there with me and push them into my port manually. This would take about 15 minutes each. I decided I really needed to get out my cell phone and check my email so that I could pretend nothing big was happening. Kyle clearly also felt the same. He couldn't watch either. I had received a positive vibes email from my sis and also from my friend, Tom, who didn't know what I was doing at that moment. I also wrote my friend Tammy to see if I could shock her with the news. I'll spare you the gorey details but it isn't possible to shock my friend Tammy. Writing them was a great distraction and I thought maybe the drugs I was being infused with might even give me some superpowers that would allow me to thumb type on my cell phone faster. But typing these emails only took 15 minutes after all and I ended up making some jokes with Mercedes and Kyle about how I wished the drugs would make me glow in the dark or sparkle or something. She was amused and promised I would get red pee out of it afterwards. Alas it was only pink. Let's hope that the chemicals at least will merge me with the Borg well enough that I will be able to count better in the future. None of you missed Gardening at Night, #4. I never wrote one with that number. I skipped completely over it so don't worry. Anyway, Kyle was wonderful company for me through the rest of the day. We optimistically made a Spring Break plan (going to Key Biscayne). We read on and off. He ran to the student center taco bell and brought us back some healthy bean burritos, which I ate while being infused. Maybe that's almost as good as riding a bike a stationary bike at the same time. I finished "Me Talk Pretty One Day", the David Sedaris book I read. I promise an excerpt sometime. It was terrific. Then just as I finished the last page, I was done and we left.

We went home and went for a long walk on the trail again. That was nice. I was buzzy.

My reference to life support systems on decks 5, 6, and 7 (earlier in this email) was meant to indicate my tummy. Yes, it felt pretty weird but nothing so violent as Monday's response to treatment. And now it's the day after. Although, I started off slow, I ate lots of food including a Serano ham sandwich with tomatoes and expensive cheese and vegetable tamales with some delicate peppers. I think I might have some brittle now. Although I was really, really tired today, I did even squeeze in yet another walk on the path.

Ok, that's a rap. Hope you don't mind if this email stands in for our Holiday card this year, because that's all that's coming. So Hope you all have a wonderful New Year in 2008. We love you all, but whoever left the dark chocolate almond bar today and loaf of homemade looking bread the other, please step forward and identify yourselves so you can be loved accordingly.

a

12/14/07 Gardening @ Night #05

Hello Peeps,

We've all had 'em - those days when when you walk into a coffee shop or the dry cleaners and you become suddenly aware that the ambient music playing in the background is actually playing just for you. The lyrics are directed at YOU and you alone, with a secret cosmic message. A message that answers some big question in your life that's been haunting you for months. Perhaps the music is sending you a glimmer or hint of your fate, what's to become of you, but no one around you notices a thing. Still you are encased in a glass bubble frozen in the moment and hanging on the words, struck by how others now moving in slow motion somehow continue Thieu mundane goals for the day. Mostly, you can't even put the meaning of the message into words. This week, my entire week was ripe with a universal roller coaster of pregnant pauses. I know you can relate. I could really write an entire book about this past week, and basically will here in the email below so be forewarned and know that I don't blame you if you want to pull the rip cord and get out while you can.

Before I launch in to the "phenomenology" of this past week, just so you all know, the answer to your burning question is NO. Even though I thought I might, I didn't start chemo this week. On friday of last week, I opened door number 3. Standing behind there was the 3rd oncologist named Claudine Isaacs and her 2 faithful sidekicks, nurse Julie and nurse Nellie from Georgetown University. Their names have not been changed to protect their identities. Anyway, to cut to the chase, Dr. Isaacs explained to me that in her expert opinion (she is a really big boy in this arena, by the way, on the national scene) she does not feel that I should use the more harsh version of the chemo treatment, because it has not been proven that "more medicine, means more efficacy". Apparently, the TAC I had been advised to do has somewhat harsher side effects and is cumulative, but not with ANY proven better results. The other option is "Dose Dense" The real difference between the two is basically in how they administer the drugs, the timing for each drug and what weeks it's administered. So, strangely enough, even though "Dose Dense" sounds harder to take, it's actually supposed to be easier. I was convinced by her chief argument - just TAC is harsher doesn't mean I will live longer - by her analogy: She said that earlier on in cancer treatment, doctors used to completely transfuse all the blood from a persons body in order to rid them of cancerous cells. Transfusing ALL the blood from your body is incredibly difficult on your body and does not specifically Target cancer cells so it was like loving someone to death. Going to any length is not always the wisest way to go, even if I'm in super good health.

Next she repeated that the difference between the efficacy of the chemo options was really nothing to write home about, BUT there is a drug trial available to me which could actually be a "home run" in terms of cancer treatment and improving survival rates. By the way, in case you are wondering, statistics for people in my stage of cancer "IIIA" ARE indeed really very good. I don't really want to pay too much attention to this because the whole "statistics" thing is too spooky for me, but it's something like 80 to 95% survival rate over 10 years with either kind of chemo plus hormonal treatment. So this home run trial adds a drug that is more like biological warfare, rather than chemical warfare, as Monica (my sis) puts it. To make a long story short, I spent several days with furrowed eyebrows consulting any info I could get my hands on about the drug and the trial and finally decided to participate. So the new drug is called Avastin and I will be getting dose dense chemo with it. Yes, it makes my treatment slightly more complicated in terms of how many times I'm driving down to Grtwn, but I could be rounding the bases for the next 50 years and happy for it. So, I'll be starting next week - FOR SURE.

But, I digress from the more interesting part of my week, back to the music. So I started off this week armed with a CD Kyle put in the car by a band called "The Tough Alliance".

(You should and probably do know that even though I REALLY love to hear new music, Kyle is the true musicologist. Not only that, he's honed his skills so perfectly that he regularly puts CDs in the car which sensitively match the mood I'm going to need for the coming day. He knows what I like. He also often orders dinner for me.) So, the Tough Alliance, I could use some of that. I like the idea of having a tough alliance of my own so much, that consider yourselves enlisted. In fact, the guys in this band are not really tough at all. They are so fe, happy and I think from Sweden. Still, they worked their magic on me as I drove off to my Landscape class. Here's a lyric sampling from a song called First Class Riot, to get you in the mood ...

There´s a crowd, talking loud, but they ain´t saying nothing
Slow and stale, weak and pale, while we´re running and laughing
Cause there´s something else, something bright and pure,
Something that you´ve never felt before
Something you can´t touch, something you can´t see (cancer?), you just don´t believe

AA-AAAA

Don´t you die yet , first class riot
You can't buy it, first class riot

Hey, the song just told me not to die yet - you heard it, didn't you? It's not just me. Ok, this message is pretty clear, Don't: die yet, Do: riot. Check. I can do that. Hmmm, riot, when can I work that this week? Not sure, but it looks like there might be a window on Thrsday after the piano teacher leaves at 4:30.

Ok, so just after my class, I broke my news to some other students, selfishly knowing that if I now ask them for any measurements for our final patio project, they cannot refuse me. Most of these woman are now on my same scholastic path, so this dictum carries over to the spring classes, too. They took it well and it wasn't that hard.

I moved on to visit the exersize Dr., Dr. Furth. Things were clicking, I was also supposed to see nurse Nellie and get some pre-study tests done including a pregnancy test - HA! All this would set me up to start chemo next Tuesday 18. I got down to Grtwn and first met with the Parking Gods, who blessed me. But then I had an irritating 1/2 hour trying to page nurse Nellie. However my spirits were still good. Nellie was very upbeat if a little confounding with the phone. Among other things, I learned from her that she had not yet confirmed with my insurance company that my treatment would be covered and not deemed "experimental". I started to ge a little anxious about this but kept my temper under my shirt while being firm with her and basically demanding that she do that as soon as humanly possible. Anyway, since we didn't have time for tests before I met Dr. Furth, we agreed to meet afterwards to do it.

Moving on, I spent the next 2+ hours with Dr. Furth who was giving me an "ecersize consultation". Going in I really wasn't sure exactly what would happen with her. Would she put me on a monitored exersize program there at the Lombardi Cancer Center? I kind of thought that's what it would be, but it wasn't. My friend Sonia had admitted to me she pictured me simultaneously riding a stationary bike whilst being infused with toxic chemicals. Not that either. What she did do is give me back my confidence in my physical ability (cool). She patiently explained how to get myself back to running by doing boring and easy but progressively harder cardio and strength training. Btw, she did not have incidental music playing in her examining room, but in my head there was a chorus of angels singing while a beam of light cast down on my healthy lustrous hair. The escersizes look goofy but do show a light at the end of the tunnel. So if you come by and happen to see me doing steps in my own house, no, I don't have an obsessive compulsive disorder, I'm just training for Cherry Blossom 10-miler which I signed up to do in April. See you there.

After Dr. Furth, I again tried to reach nurse Nellie and when we finally spoke, it was 4:40 and time for her to leave. I planned to return Tues, even though I was going to have a full day. Going back Tuesday afternoon still fit into my sched and when things are clicking, fitting and rolling easily along, it is another cosmic sign to go with it and not worry.

Tuesday, began deceptively. I was following orders to go to the dentist and again had Parking Gods (the only Gods I'm certain exist) with me. I sit down in the chair with the hygienist and we begin to talk about my disease - yes, it's really good to get a cleaning before you start chemo therapy. Her sister had breast cancer last year and was so happy to have gotten her dental care taken care of before-hand. It made all the difference. Her sister is doing well, but her aunt has had a harder time. She's sure everything will go well for me (spoken with glassy tears welling up in her eyes). We stopped talking and she turned away to put on her mask while I laid down in the chair.

CUE MUSIC: first song, I kid you not, Send in the Clowns. Scrape, scrape, "Looks like you've got something stuck back there".
Second song: Billy Joel, She's Always a Woman to Me.
Oooh, she takes care of herself. Yes, I'm dong that.
She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time. No, I can't, No, I'm not.
Oooooh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in,
she just changes her mind. Ok, sappy and chauvinistic but yes it's true, I'm a little selfish and also a toughy. Plop went the half bloody blob right on my chest napkin the hygienist just cleaned out of my teeth.
Time to spit in the levitating dish,
Third Song: I've Been Through the Dessert on a Horse With No Name. Whoah, that's some lonely shit.
Forth song, and this is the best, so everyone sing: I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar, by Helen Reddy
Fifth song and now finally flossing: I Had the Time of My Life, from Dirty Dancing
(I did not make this shit up. I swear).

I really didn't know what to make of the barrage of terrible music, but I should have known that despite a reasonably comfortable teeth cleaning, something lurked in the air. No cavities were lurking however, so I took what I can get and left.

Visiting the PT was also deceptive. On the way, one of my favorite songs ever (read: this week) appeared on our car CD player. I love this song but if you can decipher the hidden meaning for me, (I think possibly my friend and good writer, Sandra may be able to do so), then you would raise your standing in my life from wonderful tough ally to clairvoyant personal medium. The song is by Vampire Weekend and called, " Who Gives a Fuck About an Oxford Comma".

Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?
I've seen those English dramas too
They're cruel
So if there's any other way
To spell the word
It's fine with me, with me...
As you all well know, I'm a horrendous speller so they have this part correct about me, for sure.

Ok, so blasting ahead. I love the PT and she is a real healer. She also gives me great confidence and has been slowly teaching me the intricate distinctions between different types of pain. "Muscle soreness" is apparently ok but on the other hand, I'm not allowed to push myself into the realm of "sharp twinge". She said I'm progressing magnificently and assigned me a 2 lb weight to work with. I graduated from broom stick lifting and am ready for an iron man in one week. The PT is also a medium and an oracle, herself. She can see the invisible mac truck parked on my chest. Since she knows practically every other breast cancer patient in the area, she gets to hear all the good gossip. She told me she has another patient planning to enroll in the drug trial (that sounds good) and then let it slip I would need a "port". A port is a needle port under your skin that allows the chemo people to access a "deep vein" that goes directly to your heart. Yikes, scary. I held my breath and moved on to Grtwn to meet nurse Nellie and play phone tag again.

"Hi Adele, did you get the blood test yet? No? ok, go right over here. Page me when you're done and we'll talk ... Did you you pee in a cup? We'll talk ... Did you register with the blah blah blah, yet? ... Did you go down to radiology for the chest X-ray? Page me when you get back ..." All along the way there were characters who looked remarkably like brick walls to me. These people might be clerks, technicians or other patients and would say stupid things like, "I forgot my glasses and I can't fill out these forms", or " I'm 57 years old and the only female in my family NOT to have had breast cancer. Isn't that wild?". Fun stuff.

Meanwhile, my phone battery was dying and time was ticking away. I knew I needed to - and laughably had thought I could - get back to pick up kids after clay class. So on the last click of the phone battery I called Kyle and blurted out - I'm not going to make it. Kyle to the rescue, was on his way in a flash. Finally, finally Nellie says, ok let me give you my chemo talk. She sits me alone for another few minutes to wait for her, in a room of books filled to the ceiling with titles like, "Look Good, Feel Good" and "I'm Not My Disease" and of course, "Everybody's Different".

Nurse Nellie came back and gave me her speech which was fine. She confirmed that a port would be a good idea but by this time I didn't really trust her, I have to say. She said it was much easier, but for who, I wondered. She clued me in that being in this trial means that I would be returning for at least 20 weeks, the last 12 visits would be weekly. And then, oh yes, she hadn't confirmed with the insurance company yet. I went home VERY tired.

I think it was Tuesday night - Kyle, the sweetest man alive - gave me a spanking brand new ipod to block out the world. Sweet musical relief. I was in a haze after that so I can't say it happened exactly then. At this point, I felt like things might work out if only the insurance were confirmed. I was left hanging for that night, though, like a dangling participle. But I did manage to decide after talking to a few people, to go ahead and get the port. This will indeed be easier for ME.

Wed morning Kyle stayed home with me and we began wrapping X-mas presents to ship to Chicago. I got a call midday from nurse Julie this time - the first time I'd ever really spoken to her. She told me that my blood test had been screwed up and I had to get another one done. I could not get the port in time to start on Tues 18th AND no insurance confirmation as of yet. She told me all of this very calmly and acted as if nothing were wrong.

I LOST it completely. I was a mess. I admit I have had other breakdowns about the cancer but they usually were just simple 10 minute releases of gentle crying yelps and honestly very few times. This one was a doosey. I'm on the phone with nurse Julie, in my mind stabbing her with her own cell phone. On my side of the phone in reality, I was sobbing uncontrollably, Kyle helplessly trying to sooth me. I was not able to talk and there was definitely no music playing anywhere on earth at that moment. But, right, I think it's time to riot now. This is coming a bit ahead of schedule but under the circumstances, it might be ok.

So what did we do? We went back to wrapping presents. It was the only thing to do to feel any sense of accomplishment, at least until I calmed down. We also made a plan to go to a nearby lab for the blood test. Kyle was very quiet. I'm sure he was terrified of saying anything that might set me off again. My sis called, I told her my story and began to loose it all over. Then she felt guilty. But she did actually talk sense into me. More present wrapping and finally we finished. We went to the UPS store with 4 huge boxes that cost way too much to send. We did it together. We felt good about it, but as we left Kyle looked at me and said, "never again". We'll visit Chicago the day after X-mas from now on.

I also secretly made a pact with myself to shave my head the very next day. Now that should qualify for riot. So, Kyle took me to get the blood test and immediately after, sent me on a walk with Argo while he picked up the girls from school. I only walked for an hour but it seemed like 10. It did really help. I mostly listened to my Bill Bryson book but also some Andrew Bird, "Imitosis".

When I got home, the super/natural cheer of the girls and their excitement about the coming holidays put the final halt to any lingering wallowing about the day and I forgot it for a while, drank some wine someone thoughtfully left on our doorstep.

Thursday came and I went to see Hans, a non-gay hairdresser in Gtwn. I was ready. I came armed with my friend, Dana's, wig and my niece's ponytail she'd earlier planned to donate to "Locks for Love". Hans specializes in helping "people like me" in addition to his non-cancer clients. Even though I was feeling very synical, he really put me at ease right away, I must admit. There was absolutely no pressure to buy a $1500 wig or any wig for that matter. He handled my emotions perfectly like those people who talk jumpers down from the tops of tall buildings. We chatted while he put a few pretty attractive wigs on me. "When do you 'start', exactly? You're going to Chicago for the holidays, how nice. Well, you know, you have some time to sort this out. Isn't it quite cold in Chicago this time of year? You know if you just keep if for a bit longer, that's 3 more weeks without quizzical looks at the CVS or your children's school. I have 3 of my own, children. They are so much fun. See you in 3 weeks, if you want." Oh my god, he's brilliant and right! I guess it's not time to riot. Wow.

I got coffee, went home and amazingly got a lot done for my real life, including finally finding time to buy my own dear mom an X-mas present. It's coming in the mail, mom. Sorry it won't be wrapped. But I feel good about accomplishing that none-the-less. I did sent out a soccer sign-up reminder email and straightened out a web account password mix-up. I got a call from a Landscape design classmate who knows, but she didn't call to talk about that. She wanted my help for the class. She wanted me to give her advice on how to handle the "POB" - the point of beginning is basically a random place you can mark with a stake on any property which will tell the contractor THE point from which to begin measuring everything else in the master plan. I was utterly shocked to learn that my classmate does not regard me as a semi-transparent Zombie. She has no idea how happy that made me. Things were looking up. The very next thing I did was sign up for the next class which starts at end of Jan. I went on a walk.

While out, the insurance company called. The drug trial is now "Pre-Cert"-ified and I have confirmed coverage. The job-sharing nurses had come through after all. I am so relieved. Then nurse Julie called and told me she had the corrected blood test results too. We scheduled the port for next Monday and chemo for next Wed. Ok, now we're moving again. Do you hear any clicking? I do.

Thursday night Kyle showed me this video, a cover of "Video Killed the Radio Star". I can't interpret it just now, but I'm sure I will, or one of you will, in time. In the meantime, it's so damn charming I hope you watch and and force all of your children to join a rock band, just as the O'Dowd girls will be doing.

So here we are on friday. What a long week and nothing has really happened. Except, I did get "expanded" again today. My plastic surgeon, Dr. Chang, and his faithful sidekick, Phillip, are beyond sweet and reassuring. I just need 2 more expansions now to measure up. I wouldn't use the term "perky" to describe my new boobs. That is the term that was given to me by doctors in advance of all of this. Fortunately they are not like paper cups either. (Sorry Girl Scouts). To be a bit graphic, they are more like overturned ceramic ice cream bowls, hard as rocks. There is a saying about Southern Bells that I've always loved and hoped one day to have stated about me. It is said that Southern Bells are like velvet gloves on iron fists! Next time you give me a warm hug you may feel my iron fists under my shirt, sorry. Maybe, I'll soften in time.

So, I guess this is not the end of the book but it was a long chapter. I promise to be a better editor for the next one and keep it shorter. I should point out that whoever has the excel spreadsheet that tells everyone else which day is their day to do something nice for me, is doing a very good job. Flowers, cookies, wine, gardening books, book reviews, bitch sessions, my new favorite handmade bag. These things are so thoughtful. You don't have to do it, but I want to thank you for reminding me what nice people I have surrounded myself with. Do me this favor and if you have time tomorrow or over the weekend, sing this little ditty one time, just to yourself: Notice she's walking through the woods. I really like that. But what's with the cows? Interpretations, please?

a

12/05/07 Gardening @ Night #03

Hi Guys,

Too many funny and nice things happened yesterday, so I thought I'd write it down before I forget.

1. My husband came home with 2 beautiful cashmere hats, very stylish.

2. My friend, Bill F. wrote to his "famous" friend who had been featured as one of those weirdo hikers in "A Walk in the Woods" so I could have a brush with fame. In case you read it, his friend is Jon Connely, the only hiker who comes off in the book with all his cookies, including compared to the author himself. Here is a little bit of from Jon (to Bill) about his roll in the book ...

I'm in a few sections of the book, mostly starting on pg 148 and then for several pages. Bill wrote to me later and asked if I'd hike the Maine wilderness section with them, but I'd done it so often I declined. Who knew it'd be such a good book? I saw him a few times after that, when I passed through his town. he really is a nice guy, unaffected by fame. He has a great autobiography, featuring he and Katz as kids doing things like literally stealing whole trainloads of beer, called The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid. Coincidentally, I just bought his most recent book today, Shakespeare.

3. When I was having my echocardiogram yesterday, something like a sonagram to watch your heart in action, I found that unlike the Grinch, my heart is not 2 sizes too small. Phew.

4. On the downside, when I was having my PET/CT scan yesterday, no (to answer Dana) spiders were around to bite me so I can't spin webs, but I have been known for my superhuman ability to fight stains in the weekend laundry.

5. Got a handy tip from Penny - maybe the girl scouts can fashion some implants for me from some paper cups and tin foil. Good idea!

6. Oh yea. Forgot to mention that radio isotopes actually taste good, but the technician doing the tests yesterday did not appreciate my joke about my blood sugar tasting good.

7. Made my first appnt with a "PT" for this friday - Yeah! Now is that physical therapist or personal trainer?

8. Got many good book suggestions and this crazy thing http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1122593377 I haven't "elf-ed myself" yet, but plan to as soon as possible. This is my friend, Tammy in LA, her boyfriend and dog. Tammy and I once shared an apartment where we hung a slightly damaged manikin on the wall as art. That tells you something about her. I hear the manikin look is in this year.

a

12/04/07 Gardening @ Night * Special Edition

Hi t,m,&l, it occurred to me it could be fun to fuck w people (u're
tough enough for this) and let them know them know the day-glow red
magic mixture is draining into my chest at this precise moment. Im
listening to a song called "endless supply" on an album called "the
world wont end". Meanwhile, kyle just ran off to get us some taco
bell.

a

12/04/07 Gardening @ Night #02

Hi my friends,

So I considered changing the subject line title for these emails (now blog) to "FAST-FORWARD" . You can imagine why - it would be nice (for me) to simply skip ahead to the spring. I am feeling quite ready for "them" to bring it on. Ok, maybe that's a little too Rambo, and perhaps I won't be feeling this way in a few weeks after I've already been infused. BUT, for me, the waiting is really THE worst part of all of this. While docs are preparing me for pain and exhaustion, patients have told me they haven't had as hard a time as was described to them before they began treatment. Don't know for sure yet, but I may be starting next week. All the docs keep saying, I don't need to change my Chicago travel plans or spring break. They keep telling me I can excersize as much as I feel like so that's what I/we plan to do. This is usually followed by the cheerful mantra, "Everyone is different". This statement is so ludicrous, I can hardly keep from laughing every time I hear it. Some people throw up green and some yellow. (Did you really want to hear my inner thoughts? Again, if you don't want to know me this well, just let me know and I can set you free from these updates). Whatever the color, it doesn't change our travel plans or whatever we can salvage of the next several months you earthlings call winter; and I'm feeling really good about that. I got a note just this very morning from an enthusiastic mom about another travel plan to look forward to - the next girl scout camp out in May. Hope it doesn't conflict with my future boob job.

Before I go further with my update (and sarcasm), I should really be sincere for a moment. I really want to thank you all for the many flowers, banana breads, kidnapping of our kids and good vibrations. This is all quite appreciated. At the moment, things are quite calm and basically normal. I'm sure I'll be looking for playdates in the future. Other things I'm looking for are good book or movie recomendations - they must be EXTREMELY funny or schi-fi, or both. I'll probably end up reading Harry Potter. At least I'll be culturally clued in. Right now I'm reading a David Sedaris book - Me Talk Pretty One Day. So far so good. Also, I'll just lay it on the line, if you ever feel like reaching out - you just can't go wrong with flowers. And please rest assured, I am so lucky to have all of you as friends to simply shoot the shit with. And you know I can shoot some shit.

So here's some recommendations for you. (It's only fair if I can trade). I think I mentioned that the last book I read was Bill Bryson's A Walk In the Woods, about his Appalacian Trail Hike. It was hysterical. His fear of bears, run-in's with other weirdo's on the trail and relationship with his hiking sidekick provided an amazing diversion. This was all wrapped together with a healthy dose of environmentalism and history. If you read it, we can talk about it.

Second, if you have not already been flooded with info about this, please look in your droors and bathrooms and check out the backs of your deoderant, lotion, soap and shampoo. Look for a suffix on some of the last ingredients that says "-parabens". You have a choice to buy products without them and even though the verdict is still out on them, why chance it. Parabens have been found in breast cancer tumors. Check out the links below and decide for yourself. Yes, there are other things we should probably know about our daily products, but here's something to start with. Normally, I poo poo such claims but since there IS a choice.
1. The Truth About Parabens
2. Parabens

So back to the update. The dating game is going well. I've now visited with 2 oncologists who have recommended the same exact treatment. I have one to go on Friday. Today, I'm getting a head to toe (PET CT) scan of my entire body. I'm looking forward to seeing that full body scan - that could be cool and a little sci-fi. Also, maybe I'll get to pee a little blue dye this time. I was told to get my teeth cleaned because, halotosis is a side effect from chemo. So maybe no one should ask me about my breath either. I'll buy some gum. I surveyed my first chemo room - which turns out to my surprise to be a community activity. I visited a huge room full of people sitting in brightly colored lazyboys and looking out big picture windows. This all seemed reasonable to me. I'm sure I'll be plugged into my ipod anyway. Also, last week I was "expanded" in the chest. I know you all noticed the difference immediately. It was a piece of cake and didn't hurt at all. In fact I couldn't even feel the fat needle. Every doc that looks at my "job" has said that it is very impressive and I'm a great healer. That makes me feel good. I'm not sure what else people want to know about this. Yes, I'll go to a wig shop and No, none of you can come with me. I may never wear it in front of you or maybe you'll pass me on the street and not recognize me. This reminds me of the time I returned to Atlanta after college with blonde hair and was able to hide from all my old high school chums for basically a year.



In other news, I presented a new planting design to some clients last along with my two gardening buds, Dana and Lauren. The clients were very pleased and full steam ahead. I have actually told them about my situation, given that they are older, sweet and oh, so patient. Even with all that, I have no doubt that their yards will come together without a problem come spring. I'm very excited about this one. It will be a woodland garden - no front lawn at all. I crammed it with many of my favorite plants, including a line of beautiful Sweetbay Magnolias.

So, let's end it there with Gardening at Night. I have a feeling you all will know a lot more about plants in addition to my smart-ass remarks by the time this is over. Sorry.

a

11/27/07 Gardening @ Night #01

Hi all,

OK, so this message has little to do with gardening at night, and admittedly it sounds a bit like a spam subject line, but it's also kind of a happy thought for me, something to look forward to. Also, since you've filled my house with flowers and plants, among other nice things I can easily continue to garden at night and at my own pace without any heavy lifting. The flowers are really an "upper". I miss hauling mulch and raking already.

Enough about that. I know that I've trained you all very well by now not to ask me the "sad eyes" question, so I need to live up to my promise to let you know the answer and not keep you in the dark. It just seems easier to email you, but I can't really promise what might come out of me in these messages. So this first message comes with a warning label, especially for the few sensitive men on the list. If at anytime you can't take my gross descriptions or too much info re lotions or unstomachable gossip, please just let me know and I'll release you from this email bond we now share. I doubt I'll send frequent updates anyway, if that makes you feel any better since I don't really think of myself as a writer or that anything in particularly exciting is going on and I definitely don't have any words of wisdom, lucky you. But I may throw out a few random links for you to click on or ignore to go along with my cheery updates. Again, please keep this all to yourselves, as a favor to me.

CURRENT STATUS post-op
Well, they don't look too much like ugly fruit. I don't have any more octopus tubes attached to me as of yesterday and now my "bullet holes" as Kyle lovingly calls them, are closed up. When I asked him how it looks under my arms, he says "a little European". I'm weaning myself from perckaset (sp?), (bummer dude, that stuff is good. Maybe I'll get more later). The upside is I might get to drink another glass of wine this weekend. I'm not allowed to bounce, so no jogging but I can certainly walk with gusto so long as it's smoothly. I expect to be driving this week. My sister, mother and especially Kyle have been pampering me way beyond my wildest dreams. I'm going to class and even doing real work. I'm presenting a new landscape master plan next Monday night to some very patient clients, which should get installed in the spring. On friday I go for my first "expansion". Don't think that's a term of art. The plstic surgeon had told me previously that "it won't take long to get back to my previous size" read - pancakes.

THE DATING GAME happens this week
So, as most of you know, my next step is to choose an oncologist and chemo treatment, the specific course has been undetermined so far but I guess I get to choose hard and fast or slow and easy. (I think slow and easy really just means Chinese Water Torture). So with any "luck" and the help of my sis and husband, I'll have picked that special bachelor or bachelorette and go on my first "date" the week after next, Dec 16th. Cross your fingers for me because I'd sure like to go on a spring break this year. Fortunately there are some of the best oncologists in the country right here in DC. My sister has now stalked them all and sweettalked many into appointments so we have all the options we can in a short period of time.

One other thing Monica uncovered is an interesting program offered to help people exercises safely throughout their treatments and recovery. Now that would really be good since my chocolate intake has increased about 300%.

Ok, drumroll please. Here's the pictures of the day, in case you haven't already seen it, before and after pics. Chase West Path Sustainable Garden

a