I'll jump right into it this time and tell you straight: Round 4 was a doosey and with it’s coming, I entered a bit of a black spell. Last week sometime I started to get very down about the still quite long road ahead me. My energy levels are failing me when I need them most. Do I have the stamina? There were a couple days when I was halted in my tracks at 7:30pm and the only part of me that moved was my mouth to talk or snore. I've been told I look good so I assume at least I look better than I feel. That's on the plus side, but oh my god, 12 weeks is definitely on the minus side. It feels like the nuclear winter in my body. I guess you can see, I'm resenting it just now. Kyle, to his credit, seems to be standing pat, keeping it real for me. I say things like, "I can't believe old ladies can make it through this' and he says, "They do it differently. They don't go jogging and stay out late to eat dinner with Dana, Jeff, Bill and Christine at Blacksalt (a real highlight of my week, btw).
Oh, right, that's true, but today I woke up feeling spent. My chest, head and nose were filled up and it took hours of work to get them clear. I'm addicted to the neti pot, now. I use it two or three times a day now, seeking relief. I worship it really. It does do me good, keeping my sinus as moist as they can be just now. It hasn't stopped the nosebleeds, but it does make me feel better.
LADY OF BATH
After Kyle and the girlies left me to convalesce in favor of dancing and swimming, for the first time since I don't know when, I decided to take a bath. I usually prefer showers. I really like the way the rain falls all over you. But I thought I should give it a shot. So I started with the shower and a plug. When the water filled up high enough to cover my ass in the bottom of the tub, I sat down and turned the faucet on to the hottest water I could bear. I administered a special gardener's bath herb packet of aromatherapy - thanks Lauren - into the water and lay back. It did feel good and I found two unexpected benefits there by myself in totally silent water. The first was that my implants float relieving the muscle tension in my pecks. They still ache from the surgery and expansion. Second, apparently, the little villagers of my digestive track had discovered a terrifying sleeping giant in their midst. The giant had just woken up and the villagers were banging pots and pans at him to scare him away. I got out of the tub to let him escape. The giant, as luck would have it, turned out to be gentle and as he moved on, the villagers let out a sigh of relief and so did I. I folded and dipped back into the tub and wondered to myself what other hideous creatures were just now being persuaded to leave microscopically by the way too hot tea bath. I let my hands float. Just then, my eyes found the magic blinking rubber ducky sitting on the bathtub ledge, so I let my mind wander off to play with her.
I got this wierd blue french pedicure. I like it but understand it makes my toes look dirty.
HERE"S THE THING
Lately I've been fixed by a thought: suddenly I've changed from a generalist to a specificist. In the last 2 months, but as if overnight, my “take” on the universe has done a 180 and I feel I have more time, because I'm moving with the spin of the axis of the earth. And all this happened by slowing down to see the details of the world for longer than a moment at a time. By contrast, inside the previous 2 years, I had come to a place where I could easily move through space, against world forces, life, etc and even gain on them. It was an exhilarating time and one of the most energetic periods of my life. But now, since slow motion has been pressed upon me, I see in and feel every crystalline detail for longer periods, and effortlessly. In fact I feel as if the specifics of the world are even surrounding me, hovering over me and even wrapping me like a blanket from all angles. Here’s some examples: when I walk down the street the cells in my body are aware of each step, each cush of the sock against my heal of each step. I pay attention and appreciate, for no reason, to the packaging of mints. I get lost in patterns of sound.
So what’s the problem? This new level of detail is VERY disorienting to me, even a bit disheartening. Yes, these might be normal things, but I can’t escape them. As I said, I was so used to moving through space and time as a generalist who never lost sight of the big picture and was able to accomplish so much in a vast sweeping movement, but now these details, however fascinating they may be, cast a haze that leaves me floating. I can’t see through it. I was a girl used to marking time with milestones. I don’t seem to be able to do that right now, the details are too distracting, the milestones too far beyond me. I need to change my attitude about this, to let go. I need to just appreciate the specifics of life and not worry about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel so much. I asked Kyle about this and he said he felt that you almost can’t be an adult without spending this much time on details – or was it, you can’t be a good parent, I can’t remember. Are all you people so zen? Have I been missing out all this time? I just want to see some progress in my running, but it’s hard when I move so slow. I guess that’s what’s getting me down. Or maybe it’s just the blast of cold air that came back this weekend. Maybe it’s the bad taste in my mouth. Maybe it’s the Tux medicated pads. Or maybe it’s Round 5 of chemo on Monday. Maybe after Round 5, I’ll take a walk down to the old train tunnel on the Crescent Trail, just to look through. OK, yes.
HOW ARE WE DOING?
Well, at least my family and friends can keep that nice warm glow of happiness around me. Lily in particular is so cheerful, behaving normally, doing her thing. She has a few things going on lately. For the past couple months she’s had her mind buried in reading – her first real dive in on her own. She’s been reading Harry Potter. She’s always loved fantasy fiction. Why shouldn’t she be interested in her own kind’s secret world. She is a wood sprite, didn’t you know? Anyway, she tells me excitedly about Hogwarts’ love affairs with much more interest in them than the ones going on at Somerset Elementary. Which brings me to another thing she’s doing right now. We are delighted that she landed the roll of Grandma Georgina in Somerset’s production of Willy Wonka. I’ve been told she gets along very well with the 3 other grandparents, two of whom are actual boys and all of whom are fifth graders. And as always, the artist and inventor, Lily runs in the door yesterday, holds out a cottony red blob in front of my eyes and says, "Look what I got from inside a magic marker". Big smile. I say, “how did you get the magic marker open?” She says, "Well I bit off the bottom. Then everybody else did it too." More big smiles. You can’t imagine what she and her buddy did to the Barbie doll during the sleepover. A wonderful horror too funny to describe. That’s how Lily is doing, thank goodness.
This is Lily with lilies adn pollen on her nose. She stuck her nose into these flowers at Longwood Gardens in PA, when we went on a family trip the other day.
MUSIC YOU CAN USE
If I had the energy, this music would accurately express how I’m feeling just now. It’s by a band called Future of the Left, a reconstitution of one of my favorite now defunct bands, called McClucsky. The song is called Small Bones, Small Bodies. I like especially the line about exo-skeletons, since I feel like I’m only and exo-skeleton these days. The lyrics are so absurd …
Small bones small bodies, sink into semantics
The slightest excuse - the tiniest exo-skeleton
She said, the fossil, it sets such a standard
Forgetting the reason - small bones, bigger problems
With this, I miss you, I finally admit that
And beg forgiveness, my finest exo-skeleton
I am the fossil, we are the fossil, that beg forgiveness
Small bones small bodies
Small bones small bodies,
Where's the harm in being accidentally miniaturized?
Who put the brakes on courages - my finest exo-skeleton?
She said, the fossil, it caused so much carnage
Forgetting the comeback - small bones, racist neighbours
With this, I miss you, I finally admit that
And beg forgiveness, my finest exo-skeleton
I am the fossil, we are the fossil, that beg forgiveness
Small bones small bodies
Grow into your body happily
Grow into your body happily
Next time I'll end with a happy plant but I want to post this now.
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