invisible crab, invisible claw
the silliest thing I ever saw

or didn't see, I should say
for when you're walking by the bay
be careful not to tread on A
invisible crab, invisible claw

By lily o'dowd

scaling nature

scaling nature

once upon a time last week
we were Lilliputians
living in a wood primeval
nomad free, beyond the burb

looked around and looked around
the forest was alive with sound
a broken tree, fell gently down
she said she cracked a year ago

sssh, did you just hear a bark?
good, they've gone the other way
hidden in divergent wood
we have left behind no trace

now we're scouting for a camp
we must, somehow, scale the rocks
luckily, we're mountain climbers
[sometimes we are flying squirrels]

"68", the wind is saying,
"is the Perrrrrfect temperature!"
the pines agree, with whispering needles,
snakeskin trees have seen their shadows

birds and mud have wandered by us
now more trees are passing, slow
light floats down from branching sky
long, have we been roaming here

let's relax on "Lichen Bench"
we could make this our base camp
shaded by the cinnamon ferns
set out tea for our return

THIS glen has belonged to us
our dominion, marked with rust
subtle green with peeling paint
proves we lived here long ago

how i feel after talking to doctors

i want to cut straight through the bullshit
and eat my heart from the middle

maybe that explains my attraction
to mean streaked people. they answer a riddle.

there's no question in their minds
their confidence, a surgical frown

i so admire the skill with which
they carve the red stuff from the brown

i'm not like that, i'm not like that


i take the doctor at HIS word
the best of them are only human

but, why do i continue to wallow
in conversation sans trails to follow

wallowing's for pansies! WALLOWING'S FOR PANSIES!!!


why do doctors say so little
how to communicate with alien species?

and now i'm stranded here upon the moon
an ice bacterium of paranoia

i hardly recognize myself, i hardly recognize myself


but i have proof of survival skills
i 'm not imaging my scars

the pain is not a fantom friend
its dull and dumb but real

are you telling me to forget it?
i can't see through the bullshit

Cursive branches scratching stitches into the sky, into thin air
This is me
Searching for the center point
And finding slim pickins for concrete
that's why
Patterns in the hardscape facinate me
Can't help staring at my toes and a fallen sassafras leaf
I may yet, regain my tensile strength
If not my grounding

she was right, it helps

cherry blossoms
2007.2.25　まつだ桜まつり
神奈川県足柄上郡松田町の早咲き桜（河津桜）

she was right, it helps

i feed the birds and hope they speak to Lisa F
and tell her i can't read her poems yet
but with super vision needle eyes
i'll be writing some for her

i can see the words, though scratch was not my thing
but just found out and glad i didn't know
that anybody can become
like her

i live and run to a cherry blossom goal
and, it is personal and painful
glad the birds and words
will keep her everpresent

i want her to hear what i have to say
want her to know, she showed me
a way to plant more trees
and roots, mighty Lisa F

1/31/2009 Upside Down Smilies

1/31/2009 Upside Down Smilies

So Wednesday, I had my "exchange". Ok, I just took a shower and a look at the "girls". They do feel softer and more normal, if that's possible. It's still quite weird, I should tell you. Far from the glamor girl idea. My chest muscles are strung like tight seat beats under my arms but it is a bit looser in general. I'm so glad to be rid of my port. It's been there so long now, looking down makes me feel like I'm missing something. It hurts a little but not too badly. The port hole seems like the worst incision. I get little waves of nausia every now and then each day and not certain if it's pain or the meds. Right now Kyle and the kids are at the ice skating rink. I wish I could go. I LOVE to skate. But I was also looking forward to having my own quiet freedom to explore my body again. It's good to be clean. The plastic surgeon markings are now vanished down the drain. I finished another Sci Fi novel today. Childhood's End. I feel sometimes these days I'm not productive enough and it makes me a bit sad again but i'm pretty sure i can turn it around if i just acknowledge this then ignore it immediately. I don't want anyone to know, so if you're still reading this blog, no need to mention it. I see that I have "0" followers so that is a kinda relief that I'm free to speak freely. I need an place to experiment. I want people to think I'm upbeat and happy all the time. I need to be a positive life force. Ok, this is getting way too personal, but it's quite nice to have an outlet, actually. I can seek solace. right now i feel like rejecting capital letters. this also gives me a little form of rebellion and a sense of my self. ok. i wish i had a way with words.

the hot flashes are still driving me crazy. i'm rediculously temperature sensitive. i can't wear clothes that don't breath. upsidedown smilies refernces the scars on the front of my boobs, if you think about it. also, check out the hair - it's unruley.

gone to the ice rink
my house isnt silent
when those little people are away
their renegade echoes create chaos
and glee
when theres no one here
but we

a little hole in my neck
look closely
you can see it's mouth on my left
they removed the tube
but can't retrieve the incision
it will always be there
a divit
a cavity
but forever closed
what can it be hiding?

ok, so it was a first try. i don't want to get all mushy but i need a little minor art project, poetry seems like fun. i think i can continue this later...

10/25/2008 Gardening @ Night #23

10/25/2008 Gardening @ Night #23

Oh, uuuuhm, Kyle is it morning? Oh I'm still tired from running the half marathon, but happy. Oh, I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed I had cancer this past year. What? I did? How can that be true? Well, when my boob itches and now I scratch it, I can't feel my fingernails on my skin, hmmm! Proof?

Sorry I haven't been posting, guys, I guess I've been too busy living my life.

So, on October 17th I had my "Cancerversarry" as Lily calls it. In a bizarre de ja vu twilight zone twist of fate, I spent it exactly the same way I did one year earlier, at Markoff's Haunted Forrest with my family, a tremendous bonfire and a couple hundred ghouls trying to scare me. Little did they know they didn't hold a candle to the oncology radiologist from Sibley I spoke to by cell phone while standing in the funnel cake tent. But this year there was no such horrifying phone call. This year there were only chain saws, heavy metal music and laughing. It was so much fun and even though I was a bit nervous about returning to the scene of the crime, it was a joyous occasion wraping up the past few weeks of celebration at the very end of my year of living dangerously!

ABOVE: Moni and I at mile marker 9.

ABOVE: My buddy Traci and I at mile marker 9 - it was a loooooong uphill

The most wonderful success was finishing the Baltimore half marathon with my sister, Moni. We did it together, every step. But I can't go without mentioning the rest of my Tough Alliance who ran too, John Lundin who came in from Detroit, Jim Kelly who came from Chicago, Sonia Jimenez who came with us from Ch Ch, my buddy Traci who we stopped and chatted with at the end of a long hill at mile 9, Tom and Monica Kearns who hosted us in Baltimore, and my amazing husband who kept telling me I could do it even when I didn't think so. Ok, so John And Jim did have stomach issues, but Monica and I even managed to beat them into the finish. (I think they let us). Back at Tom's house, we had BBQ and white chocolate cake. I love this race. I'm still shocked that I finished. I had been struggling a bit with plantar fasciitis. But I guess that's really nothing. My arm held up well even though it was a warmish day of 80 degrees. It was actually a gorgeous day and pretty much a carbon copy of one year ago. I'm committed to run this race every year I think.

And of course, only one week before Baltimore, I walked in the Breast Cancer 3-Day with 13 extremely determined and pink ladies.

ABOVE: Me and Moni at 6am in Potomac Mills parking lot to start the 3-Day Walk with the whole team



ABOVE: Sea of pink tents

ABOVE & BELOW: My mom and I visited the camp and drink wine out of paper cups with the team





ABOVE: Just before the finish line, Hope, Jill, Sonia, Liza, Erica and Annika and I toasted our success

At the closing ceremony walkers held up their stinky shoes in tribute to the hard journey of survivors

So today – November 4rth, 2008 – I’m sitting here at Georgetown Hospital on the 7th Floor, maybe for the last time. Today I’m getting my last Avastin infusion. It’s a big day, to say the least. I will continue with Dr, Claudine Isaacs and Nurse Nellie, of course for years but with any luck I will never find myself staring at the pink and blue curtains in Room 09.

ABOVE: Nurse Nellie on the left and Dr. Isaacs on the right - my friends!


But of course, that’s not the only historic event of the day. After I leave here, I will go to Somerset ES to proudly cast my vote for Barack Obama, who I fully expect to become the first African American to become president. The man is on fire. He is so hopeful and inspiring. It makes you cry from happiness. I read this morning that his Grandmother died yesterday, though. That’s so sad. Seems she was a victim of ovarian cancer. It must be a tough pill to swallow that she didn’t make it to see THIS day. I read that she spent a lot of time raising him and guiding him to become the person he is.

In any case, it’s still going to happen. Though it’s been and extremely tough year, personally and in the world, it feels like Progress is happening. I am so lucky despite the breast cancer. I’ve accomplished a lot and had great opportunities driven by the strength of Kyle and the kiddos, my sister and mom and all of you, my friends. I’ve seen so many bands in the last year, more than any other time in my whole life. It feels to me like a miracle has happened and you guys know I’m a skeptic, so that’s big.

In just few more days, my adventures continue. We’re going to Costa Rica. I will be able to check off some more life list items: see a volcano, relax in a hot spring, commune with another unbelievably beautiful body of water and explore a garden of earthly delight.

So after convalescing in Italy, I jumped back into the stream of life with both feet. I’m once again a part of that flow, gliding effortless and free. I no longer see walls in front of me at every step. No friction. I’ve regained synchronicity with the Universe. (In the back of my mind, there is a movie replaying that day last winter and the Helen Reddy music in the dentist office. Should I ever go back there? I think it might be time to change Desntists.) Did I actually have cancer last year? What a weird dream. Now the “Flow” feels so good, like it’s own special drug that keeps me high nearly all the time. Maybe that's just the emotional rollercoaster of the Tamoxifen, but it's only propelling me up, up, up.

OMG, there’s the beeper – IT'S FUCKING OVER!

Here is a fabulous song from Blitzen Trapper that comes to mind when I think of this moment

God & Suicide...

i can live with god and with suicide

the same thing holds if i close my eyes

it's a truth so pure it can kill you dead

the taste of heaven mixed with hell inside of my head

if a three-four cord can ignite a flame

and a girl like you can forget my name

then i'm that far gone in this crooked grave

with a pistol for my creature and a feather for my day

when i do go down in a rain of toil

with a hand in my satchel and my knees in the soil

i can live with god and with suicide

a lover (Kyle) in her calico, a pony stands at her side

i can live with god and with suicide

the same thing holds if i close my eyes

it's a truth so pure it can kill you dead

the taste of heaven mixed with hell inside of my head