03/01/2008 Gardening @ Night 11

03/01/2008 Gardening @ Night 11
Hiya Out There,

7 DOWN – 9 TO GO
So I’m sitting here at Gtwn Hospital waiting for my next round. I’ve had my standard blood test and they are mixing my cocktail just now. It takes an hour for the lab to do this. I don’t know if it’s just a waiting period or if it takes time for the cocktail to actually congeal. (I totally guessed at the spelling of that word – wow, I was right.) Anyway, I’m trying so hard not to let myself get into that state of mind where I dread coming here. Coming here and getting plugged into the chemo is saving my life after all. Now that I’m getting the Taxol, it is a lot easier to tolerate afterwards. I don’t’ really have the nausea caused from the AC drugs now; it’s only my own mental aversion that is causing me any stomach upset. I still get a few days of metallic taste in my mouth, but it’s much easier even so. Things are moving faster today, too. Normally I come here, and have to wait even just to get my blood tested but today they did it right away. Maybe I’ll get out of here before 2 or 3pm, we’ll see. Sorry it’s taken me so long to give you guys a new update! It’s slow motion for me too.

EXPRESSIONS & ATTITUDES
I haven’t really felt the flow of writing lately. I haven’t felt that creative. So sorry that this entry won’t be as lyrical as some. I’m not really sure why you guys are still hanging around reading this anyway, but suit yourselves. Is THIS writing interesting in the least? I have no idea. This woman who is in charge of the writing program at the Lombardi Center just appeared in the door and handed me and my roommate a poem, telling us she is encouraging us to write about our feelings. (Oh brother!) She also said she loves to see and help with patient’s writings. I think I’m too shy to share with her, or maybe I think it’s just a little goofy. Again, my bad attitude is showing, whoops. You tell me what you think. The theme of the day given to us for inspiration is based on the line in the Temptations song, “I’ve Got Sunshine on a Cloudy Day”; cheesy or inspirational? The poem she handed us is quite nice though I have to say. It’s a poem by Mary Oliver (bad attitude: never heard of her) called …

Last Night the Rain Spoke to Me

Last night
The rain
Spoke to me
Slowly, saying

What a joy
To come falling
Out of the brisk cloud,
To be happy again

In a new way
On the earth!
That’s what it said
As it dropped,

Smelling of iron,
And vanished
Like a dream of the ocean
Into the branches

And the grass below.
Then it was over.
The sky cleared.
I was standing

Under a tree
The tree was a tree
with happy leaves,
And I was myself,

And there were stars in the sky
They were also themselves
At the moment
At which moment

My right hand
Was holding my left hand
Which was holding the tree
Which was filled with stars

And the soft rain –
Imagine! Imagine!
The long and wondrous journeys
Still to be ours.


Ok, I admit I did really like the hopefulness of that poem and the tree and the stars and the hand holding. (She lost me with the cheesy “wondrous” at the end, though.) It makes me a little weapy to think ahead. Allowing myself to think to years ahead with my family is one of those guilty pleasures I indulge in, even if I’m not sure I should be hopeful or, maybe, how hopeful to be. Apparently I can really only gain confidence with time. Live Long and Prosper. The longer you live, the better chance you have of living longer. What a conundrum. But the miniscurity (yes, I’m coining this as a word) of cancer cells causes such a mystery inside a body. Where the heck are they and can we find them if they exist? Maybe it’s just the thought of cancer and treatment that’s causing me such confusion about the speed of time and perspective on details. I have no perspective. These things are so screwed up for me just now. My friend, Lisa F, who has also had breast cancer, wrote a whole book of poetry about her experience, which I want to tell you about. It’s called Glances at Time and 25% of the proceeds earned with sales of the book go to the Lombardi Cancer Center at Gtwn. Maybe you would like to buy it.


HEALTH MATTERS
Two weeks ago, the day before my first Taxol, I managed to snag a wonderful cold right out of mid-air. And with my low immunities the cold quickly became a tough sinus infection and by Tuesday I was at my internist’s door. She gave me a five day pack of Zithromax, but all I could do for the next few days was lay in the bed, sleeping and listening to Bill Bryson traveling around Europe. By Thursday I still was in the dumps so I called up the Doc again and she prescribed Levaquin, a much stronger antibiotic. I’ve heard since that it is the toughest you can get. Evidently, by this time I was so dehydrated that within an hour of taking the new drug, I found myself fainting in my bedroom. So here I am traveling a few feet from bathroom – thought I might toss my cookies – back to bed. I fell right next to the bed with my head banged it on the bed frame, then lost consciousness for another second, my arms collapsed so I hit my head again. I think this happened about 5 times all together, but who’s counting. Picturing myself there on the floor now, I find it pretty funny actually, but at the time I was a bit scared. I got myself in the bed and called everyone but 911, but thank goodness my mother came to the rescue. She was planning to go to the school Valentines Day parties in my stead. We had prearranged this earlier in the day when I knew I would have to miss and had a guilty mother complex.

Anyway, she shows up and stuck around to watch over me, let me sleep and help the girls with their homework. To make a long story short, I did get better. Imagine that. I stopped taking the Levaquin, for a few days but went back on it after drinking bottles and bottles of Vitamin water (fancy gator-aid with electrolytes) and several more trips to the doctor.

I had to miss my design class, bummer. But throughout all of this, the hardest part was feeling completely useless to my family. While lying they’re looking at the ceiling one day, I decided it was time to lower the bar. Since the only thing I could continue to do for them was the laundry, I now feel that so long as I can keep feeding the washing machine, I am successful. It’s true that I have an unbelievable innate ability to uncrumple balled up shirts, lay them flat, find the stain and then shout it out. It is a gift, you know. It was one of those defining moments, I gotta tell ya.


Well, I couldn’t exercise for nearly two weeks and that sucked of course, but thankfully I’m back at it. At my last my last infusion (now last Tuesday) my blood test showed that my hemoglobin was a little low so they gave me a shot to boost it saying that I needed more oxygen in my blood. "Hmmm," I wondered out loud. "How you go about getting that?" My friend Rick M who had brought me that day answered, "Well I think exercise is how."


MILESTONE
And so from the agony of defeat, I’m trying to enjoy the thrill of victory. If my first milestone was starting to jog, then this is definitely my second. After building back up with some walking over the past week, today I hit a milestone. Even though it was a little cold, I hit the trail today with one goal in mind. I had to see that light at the end of the tunnel. There is a real tunnel 2.5 miles south on the Capitol Crescent Trail. So I walked and even jogged a bit and made it all the way down there, the farthest I’ve gone yet. Que: theme from Rockie. It felt so good to raise my arms and cross under the threshold of the tunnel, with a bright light beaming through the other end. My mental state has really improved, consequently. But I could never leave you with the theme from Rockie in your mind …

MUSIC YOU CAN USE
I hope you like some of the music I like. For me, this song, “Offer” by Doug Martsch relates to SOY SURPRISE later in this posting.


OFFER
Doug Martsch - Offer lyrics
Artist: Doug Martsch
Album: Other Song Lyrics

Now you
Should know by now

Its a small sound
Pulls you down

Would you
Come back down
To a small town
Stay with me

I am, Everyone
Someone,
Used to love.


She couldn't offer you anything you could refuse
She could just sell you things you couldn't use.

Now you
Should know by now
Its a small sound
Holds you down

Would you
Come back down
To a small town
Stay with me

I am, everyone
Someone
Used to love.

She couldn't offer you anything you could refuse
She could just sell you things you couldn't use.
She couldn't offer you anything you could refuse


THE TOUGH ALLIANCE FOR THE 3-DAY
So I’ll make a last call/plea for walkers for our Tough Alliance Susan G. Komen 60 mile walk. The team has grown to 10 – which is wonderful. (Don’t worry; I won’t think you’re a looser if this walk isn’t your thing. I’ll let you know how you can contribute when the team is really up and running). But just in case you are still mulling this over, you could come to an organizational meeting to be held March 9th to help you decide or just find out how it works.

Here’s from Sonia Chessen, the team captain …

Emily Coccia, DC Breast Cancer 3-Day Field Coordinator will be coming to do a private “Getting Started” meeting at my house for the Tough Alliance Team on Sunday March 9nd from 1:30-3:00. I live at 4625 Hunt Ave., right across the street from Adele. Currently the registered team is:

Sonia Chessen
Melanie Folstad
Liza Pigram
Jill Chessen
Ricki Seidman
Laura DeBruce
Sally Sachar
Ann Brown
Judy Wurtzel
Hope Adler

I know there are a few more of you who also plan on joining already, so I thank you all for even considering it. I’ll be there at the meeting and hope to see you.

Recently there was an interview with the first Tough Alliance, the Swedish band. After reading it I decided to write them this note …


STRANGE BUT TRUE
Kyle didn’t believe me at first because I hadn’t been talking about it much. Maybe I wasn’t even convinced myself, but IT is happening. About once every hour or two I have to rip off whatever sweater I’ve been wearing, whatever hat I’ve been wearing is magically moistened with sweat. Hot Flashes are a part of me now. Alternating with a chill to the bone on cold days. While this is not one of the worst side effects of this year, it is always startling. To talk about this, I turned to my everything cancer consultant, my physical therapist. I have known that some women barely notice the effects of menopause at all, but the PT told me that some experience hot flashes for 3 years. OMF’ingG!!! I guess time will tell what’s to be my fate. I guess I’ll have a lot more of my own sweaty laundry to do. Good thing I’m good at laundry. Just so you know, while hot flashes are bizarre, conversely, they are a really good sign, too. The hot flashes and menopause are a sign that the chemo is working, causing my estrogen levels to go down and stop feeding whatever cancer might be in there lurking. So hooray for hot flashes. What a thing to say, huh?

SOY SURPRISE
Here is some more chemistry I learned recently. It turns out that soy mimics estrogen. Soy can bond with estrogen receptors in the body though it isn’t known if soy contributes to cancer growth. Wow, that’s big since we’ve been eating more vegetarian meals lately, this is kind of a bummer. I’ve been craving edemame, in fact. It’s one of my favorite treats. This info was divulgd to me by another infusion patient a few weeks ago and I was skeptical to say the least. So I asked Nurse Nellie. She consulted Dr. Isaacson, who wisely advised, “Everything in moderation”.

ALCOHOL ADVISORY
An of course, Alcohol has been shown promote breast cancer in middle aged women. I’ve read that drinking 1 – 2 glasses of any alcohol per day, some studies say less, can increase you risk significantly. Apparently, alcohol changes the way estrogen is metabolized. And …
When compared with teetotalers:

* Women who drank the equivalent of a half glass of wine a day were 6% more likely to develop breast cancer.
* Women who drank a glass or two a day faced a 21% increased risk of breast cancer.
* Those who drank more than two drinks a day were 37% more likely to develop breast cancer.
According to a study of 6K women in 2002. I’m just mentioning this all for the record. I don’t mean to preach. This is actually all news to me that once I really open my eyes to, I want to share with you. I’m sure I will drink again and I’m sure I’ll eat soy beans, but I’m going to take it easy and I feel better now that I know. Was my head in the sand?

OLD LADIES
So to close today, here is a picture of a couple of old ladies. Lily is starring as Grandma Georgina in the Somerset production of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. My favorite line that she has to say gives me a good closer: “Turn it off. I’ve heard enough of those snot nosed kids!”



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